My lifelong battle with my hair

by Erin

In my whole life, there've been about ten days where I've truly loved my hair, and roughly eight of them must have happened before I was three years old.

As an infant, I had white-blonde curls that - I am told - everyone loved. Around when I turned four or five, however, my hair started to darken, turning several shades of honey before it reached where it is now, a very dark gold. (I've been asked if I'm a brunette or not, and have never known how to respond. I'm fifteen now, and don't know if my hair will get any darker or stay this way, as it has for a couple of years now.)

As a kid, I did not take good care of my hair. My mother didn't notice: she figured that aside from the occasional haircut, my hair needed to be left naturally.

And I got terrible haircuts. Until a couple of years ago, I don't think I got one decent haircut; my bangs were uneven and far too full for my round face; my curling hair hung straight-ish and frizzy - I brushed it every day, as I'd been taught to do. I was a naturally curly-haired person who was hiding away. I was called "straw-head" and "frizzy freak", names which are as creative as any seven-year-old can be. I wilted.

Less than a year ago, when I realized that I was not taking good care of my hair I decided to take matters into my own hands (as a teenager, I was naturally already concerned with hygiene, but I hadn't thought about my hair. The teasing grew much, much worse in junior high school, when a perfect appearance slowly becomes mandatory).

I haven't had much success since. I've bounced from product to product and care-plan to care-plan; if anything has worked, I can't tell. I grew my hair out to about six inches below my shoulders, then figured I wasn't suited for long hair and started cutting it off again, little by little. It's two or three inches below my shoulders now. The only wise decision I've made was to get wispy side bangs rather than keeping them full.

My hair consists mostly of loose curls; around my face they are big, thick and spiralling (especially at my temples), framing my face, and the rest hangs wavy/curly. I can't seem to make it last more than ten minutes after I get it dry, though (not taking a shower hardly seems like an option any more, as my hair is so brittle, dry and lifeless on those days).

I try to use moisturizing shampoos, not overuse products, and use some hairspray, but no matter what I try, four hours later it's dead, with limp curls around my face and the rest hanging in slight waves, which emphasizes the round shape of my face and makes my hair look dry and straw-like.

I've begun to wonder if my hair's too thick and is somehow getting pulled down, so on my next haircutting appointment I'm planning on getting it cut nearly to my shoulders. It's frustrating to have had lifelong struggles with haircuts and the contradictory information and advice I keep getting, and it looks like it isn't over yet.

I've tried to straighten my hair in the past out of frustration over my dead hair, but it never seems to work. I don't wish for straight hair, in any case; I just wish my hair wouldn't be so indecisive.